The role of mothers has changed extraordinarily in the last century. From the traditionalist mother whose responsibility was to raise physically healthy and capable kids to the expectations of the one we have today-with considerable psychological emphasis of her own parenting impact on her child. The perfect relationship with our mother is imagined as someone who can love us without judgement, console us when we need it and rejoice in our victories; while at the same time providing us with the age-old wisdom that reassures our decisions that lightens our load as we walk through life; these are characteristics that many children desire from their mothers. The bond we share with our mothers impacts how we see ourselves, our self-worth and conflict resolution. They are the pillars of a strong mother-daughter bond. Unfortunately, not everyone has experienced the joyful intricacies and depth of one of our most fundamental relationships. In fact, others have been neglected by their mothers, abused, and for others, the relationships are fractured beyond repair and estranged.
What impact does a mother daughter relationship have?
The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most profound and influential relationships in a woman's life. It shapes a daughter's self-esteem, personality, and overall well-being. The dynamics of this relationship are complex and influenced by various factors such as cultural backgrounds, family dynamics and individual personalities. Intuitively known to us and confirmed by research, which shows that a mother’s own past unresolved trauma affects how she is able to respond to her child’s needs; those who experienced insecure attachment in their own childhood will likely create a similar environment for their children. While its challenging to capture subjective components of relationships and quantify into research, a study on 90 cis gender females showed that the relationship with their mothers significantly impacted several variables: a loving nurturing romantic partner, lower depressive symptoms and lessened anxiety, contrarily perceived maternal hostility was associated with a lack of decision-making ability; or agency. A mother’s warmth provides the emotional support we need to navigate the challenges of life.
How can the relationship between a mother and daughter improve?
Relationships evolve throughout life and a mother daughter relationship is no exception to this. In early adulthood the relationship is characterized by emotional support and responding to her child’s needs. As a daughter enters adolescence, a mother needs be able to permit independence for proper identity formation while still being a source of support. Mothers are also prime role models for their daughters. In adulthood, the relationship may become more egalitarian with a shift towards mutual respect and companionship.
Expert counselors can achieve understanding between mothers and their daughters-often by identifying any intergenerational dynamics that affect the relationship. For example, in many cultures women are seen as the caregivers and rarely the care receivers; from early on their own needs are invalidated. Mothers exposed to this paradigm in their childhood will unknowingly pass the expectation of their daughters with little insight to her own unacknowledged, uncommunicated needs. From a sociocultural perspective, daughters are expected to tend to household in addition to the responsibilities of the working world. Therapy can help the client find her voice, voice her needs, and live in her truth.
Strengthening the Bond:
1. Quality time and shared experiences: engaging in enjoyable activities together can foster closeness and create lasting memories.
2. Active listening and empathy: actively listening to each other's perspectives and showing empathy can promote understanding and connection
3. Respect for individuality: acknowledging and respecting each other's unique personalities and choices can reduce conflicts.
4. Seeking Support: professional counseling or support groups can help address and resolve longstanding issues or dysfunctional patterns
How to identify and change toxic patterns
Mothers have their own past experiences that are at times unconsciously factored into their parenting styles. Often, the differences in ideas can spur discord and can lead to rejection. Unfortunately, social rejection triggers the same pathways as physical pain; and the pain is mutual. When a child experiences parental rejection; research shows its association with lowered effortful control-behavioral dysregulation. Similarly, adult children are likely to initiate estrangement from their parents and many parents experience feeling shame, guilt, and sadness. Joseph Cole a psychologist for the Atlantic wrote, “It can be difficult to apologize to those we have hurt and hard to forgive those who have hurt us.” Rejection may appear as a courageous act to some however, it is often because the work it takes to resolve the conflict is too demanding, especially in our already demanding lives. Many relationships just take time to rebuild, with effort and consistency the generational differences can be overcome.
The mother-daughter relationship is a complex and multifaceted bond that profoundly shapes a woman's life. While challenges and conflicts are common, open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to work through differences leads to a strong and fulfilling relationship. Joseph Cole also makes the point that since parents are responsible for a child’s emotional satisfaction then in adulthood, they could be responsible for their adult child’s dissatisfaction. Recognizing the dynamics at play and actively nurturing the bond can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation between mothers and daughters.
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